FAMILY MAKES ME SICK

It is a great shame that I have to write this during a Christmas season, when families are supposed to come close and actually be there for each other.

But in my life, the family who I thought would always be there for me, is simply incapable of being there for me on an emotional level at all.

Let's say due to our religious differences - them being dumb christian zealots who cannot go a day without NOT thinking for themselves, and me being the agnostic crazy cousin. I don't want anything financially from them as well, heaven forbid I don't want to create more ties than the TOXIC EMOTIONAL BONDS I already worked so hard to sever.

So the story goes one of my family members asked me if I would come to visit them, via a request on facebook. At first I said yes, but then I was thinking to myself, going through my memory bank of the past five years - why I initially severed all contact with them. My stomach started to act up and I felt like I was going to vomit. Which is strange since the whole week I feel constipated, then I hear I must go to visit the family, and all of a sudden I get diarrhea and fall into a dark cloud of anxiety.

And to top it all off - this week I almost broke my ankle and a ligament was torn. Now I must wear this supporting cast they call a moonboot. And I know how my uncle and grandparents would greet me - first ask me what happened to my foot, then tell me how stupid I am for falling, and then laughing at the situation I am in. These people seriously lack any sense of compassion - maybe it is due to their psycho-sociopathic religious relations. Or just because they are limp brained pricks, as simple as that. 

Or the fact that my aunt thinks I want to seduce my uncle and want to compete with me in a childish manner. This family situation is just fucked up. I just think my aunt is intimidated by me or even jealous - something that has nothing to do with me actually wanting her stupid ass husband. More over I believe it is due to  her religious upbringing, and her strict parents, that made her hate herself so much, suffering from a complete lack of self-esteem due to religious indoctrination - that she is INTIMIDATED and THREATENED by anyone who she feels challenges her self-worth. This is also unchristian like to falsely suspect and wanting to look down on someone because YOU HAVE A PROBLEM with yourself. 

It is absolutely not my problem if my aunt chooses to live a shallow life - and feel the need to compete with a deep and free spirited soul like I am.  Someone (me) who released the very bonds that keeps her (my aunt)  captive. Yes I believe it is ENVY and not jealousy, for the latter requires STRESS that someone is going to take away what  you have. She wants however what I have - the person that she can never be, due to keeping herself mentally imprisoned by her own distorted belief structures.


I sure as fuck don't want to go there on a Saturday, to sleepover, and go to CHURCH with them on Sunday. First I look as if I just escaped war alive with my foot cast, and second I don't have time for that bullshit. These people are not deep, they are superficial and judgmental - the type of people who would rather buy their kids braces to make them feel good than actually talk to them to find out what really bothers them inside.

My aunt is 16 years my senior, yet she still lives in a childlike mentality - due to her always wanting to impress SOCIETY, and always wanting to do what is right according to WHAT SHE THINKS, people thinks, is RIGHT for her to live by.

I used to like her better, when she was unmarried, childless and free spirited and there was more room for development. She seems stuck today. And her dreams have become unattainable by herself. And she lives through her children and social status being married to a wealthy businessman.

I hope I never end up like her, to crucify my soul on society's lame standards. Sad fact is - her husband is just as shallow as fuck as she is. Who wants that, who needs this type of relationship? Only a zombie, slave to this world. They are so concerned with pleasing the world and society, that they completely lost track of themselves AND THEIR CHILDREN who are doomed to fit into the mold they parents created for them to live by.

And of course there is always my father who compares my siblings and I to our cousins, telling us how fucked up we are and how cool they are - then I simply remind him "well these assholes need to grow up some time, they are just crashes waiting to happen". Some fucks need to come back to earth, and some even die before that can happen and their soul can attain true depth. There is no satisfaction in leaving this earth a shallow piece of trash, and getting at heaven's gates EMPTY HANDED. The difference between my father's brother's children and my brother and I, is that WE tasted the ground a long time ago, we actually grew up faster, due to having to deal with REALITY as it is, and not as society portrays it. Can we say that we are more humble than they are, more humility? Definitely.

Let's take for example my brother and I grew up with a father who is emotionally explosive, yay to the scorpio trait. My father always manifested his emotions in some sick way, he never really let it get bottled up. Which is different from his family or brothers and sisters, because they would rather keep their shit in and veiled or clouded from their children. My father is thus different, yet similar to his siblings in some sick way.  Point being made is that if it was not for HIM making his children deal with his emotional suffering, we would not have grown as the people we are today, laid back and even empathetic etc. Is this a benefit of child abuse? LMFAO

My father's siblings' children on the other hand, well their parents fear their emotions more than my father ever did, and failed to express them so that people can really understand them, because it is a sin AND improper you know and then I hear my father's MOTTO: I WON'T LIVE A LIE.

Anyway I stayed at home, and let my parents go on their own together with my little sister to the FAMILY, even though my aunt prepared my bed because I said I was going, I just felt too sick to go there again, it never changes, the story is always the same - the same shallow shit plays off every time. Now I UNDERSTAND why my father always expressed his emotions so vehemently - because that family simply NEVER TALKED TO EACH OTHER, other than the casual and stupid small talk. Well fuck that shit, I don't have time for that shit, I deal with it at my work. I need some time alone too you know, where I can be REAL WITH MYSELF. And luckily I can do that on my weekends. I don't want to waste it on the same superficial shit I deal with everyday.

sometimes dreaming about fucked up shit

You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family. ~ Louie Anderson quotes

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my thoughts on this comical new age diatribe that the atheists got going at:

SO IF I GET THIS JUNK RIGHT - IS THAT THE NEW AGE TEACHES THAT WE MUST DETACH FROM THE MATERIAL WORLD, yet we MUST UNFOLD OUR UTMOST DIVINE POWER AT THE SAME TIME...how the fuck does that work?

yeah i thought so too in the beginning, when i joined the new age community, or rather when i was coaxed into believing that i was more special than what I really was, that I was supposed to be a writer, to be a dreamer all my life, to forget about how to make a sensible living for myself...by some evil bitch who told me "i was a "witch" with superpowers"...

of course I did not know what the word "witch" meant during those young and very much ignorant adolescent  years of my life..... it comes from being too lazy to study by yourself on spiritual matters, and thinking that when someone offers to be your "teacher" you just hit the jackpot and can sit back doing nothing...other than to be a stupid attention whore almost like being in heat for A mentor WHO IS REALLY MENTAL BEHIND THE SCENES, who only uses you for past time entertainment, to fulfill her evil sexual desires...yeah she had lesbian tendencies.....of course I DID NOT KNOW OR FIGURE THAT OUT BEFORE IT WAS TOO GOD DAMN LATE..........Nor that she was totally psycho and had no intention to teach me anything really, but only to use me for some sick past time perversion.

Where was I - so I got involved with the wrong people who I thought were spiritual, or who were able to lead me in some absurd spiritual way, because lets face it, I felt really confused at that time....and wanted someone to love me, really love me, and give me good direction in life...turns out I picked some type of vampire of a woman, who did not care about my spiritual well being at all, or that I was hurt countless times by other people in the same way before...it was like I was a target for the same type of abuse over and over...I don't think I will ever forgive her...and her abusive treatment of me is what led me to rage out against the retarded new age community in the first place.

What I did learn is, that you cannot just wait and sit around thinking, things will actually happen for you.......no you have to be grounded.....you need to actually WORK to get somewhere in life.....even though said "mentor" told me she couldn't get by without money...it was she who inspired me to get involved with the online new age community, who totally almost make me lose my shit altogether with their attitude of FORGET ABOUT THE REAL WORLD, live in some fantasy world instead and everything will be okay - as was the image that evil "mentor" of mine was really playing me at...that everything was okay, that she was some teacher here to save me coming with shit at me like "when you are ready the teacher will appear" and "you are starting early" (with being a witch or whatever)...... omfg...and I WAS SO STUPID AT THAT STAGE, i ate everything up as if it were true......that she was really that cool.....one thing is right, I DID START EARLIER ON MY SPIRITUAL PATH than other people, in the fact that I GOT DISAPPOINTED by people much earlier in my life, thanks to people like her...and after HER I REALLY WOKE UP...to what she was actually trying to do to me..and saw how it really corresponded with the fucked up new age movement and the various new age cult leaders and their psychology abusing people in broad day light without their knowledge......yeah my eyes really opened up after that...and so my hatred for the new age community ensued after that.

Seeing how this new age mentor made me humiliate myself believing all her bullshit....yes I do harbour resentment towards her...because instead of being a teacher she was truly leading me astray.

Any case, back to the atheist's mockery of the new age crap above - if you read carefully, you can read between the lines, and see how the new ager's mind really works - they tell you one thing, or a certain way to reach something, yet which is totally impossible to attain in the way they teach you to do it - I MEAN HOW CAN YOU BE TRULY ON THE RIGHT PATH OR MAKE A SIGNIFICANT CHANGE IN SOCIETY IF YOU CANNOT LEARN HOW TO FUNCTION IN THE MATERIAL WORLD OR AS A MEMBER OF SOCIETY?!

 HOW CAN YOU MAKE A TRUE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD IF YOU ARE NOT GROUNDED WITHIN YOURSELF? HOW CAN YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD IF YOU CANNOT EVEN KNOW THE LAWS OF THIS WORLD, TO MAKE MONEY, IN ORDER TO SURVIVE? HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU ARE A SIGNIFICANT INFLUENCE IN THE WORLD WITHOUT ESTABLISHING YOURSELF IN THIS WORLD?

HOW can you truly raise your spiritual vibration in the world if you cannot function in this world, that is what I am really getting at......if you are not grounded in this world, then your spiritual vibration is pretty low I'd say.


Yet again we have new agers, like that mentor of mine, who has established herself in the material world, yet her vibration is still pretty low, because she lacks integrity, she is not really spiritual, she has no morals or moral compass, she is just a bullshitter, without a real purpose in this world....

you see the ambiguity here? You can be rich, but your vibration can be low, on the other hand if you are really spiritually orientated in this world your spiritual vibration can be just as high as the mountains of your riches.

 moral of the story - these new age gurus make you believe there is an easy fix for everything in life - by dreaming about it, instead of working on your problems to get where you need to be in life. That is just not healthy, they also seem to think that it is okay for them to bullshit you, and that you must never figure out how people function in the real world or why they seek to abuse you, you must be oblivious to the fact that certain people would rather wish to exploit and damage you, than really get you on the right track. Mastering in the knowledge of people relationships is a big no no...because that is how they keep you asleep and manipulated so that you cannot do anything for yourself in this world, and instead be spell bound by their bullshit so that they can get all the shine and credits in life. *yawns* fuck that...she taught me one thing AND THAT IS TO BE A GROWN UP WOMAN, FIGHTING FOR MYSELF AND MY OWN SANITY AND PLACE IN THIS WORLD.