FAMILY MAKES ME SICK

It is a great shame that I have to write this during a Christmas season, when families are supposed to come close and actually be there for each other.

But in my life, the family who I thought would always be there for me, is simply incapable of being there for me on an emotional level at all.

Let's say due to our religious differences - them being dumb christian zealots who cannot go a day without NOT thinking for themselves, and me being the agnostic crazy cousin. I don't want anything financially from them as well, heaven forbid I don't want to create more ties than the TOXIC EMOTIONAL BONDS I already worked so hard to sever.

So the story goes one of my family members asked me if I would come to visit them, via a request on facebook. At first I said yes, but then I was thinking to myself, going through my memory bank of the past five years - why I initially severed all contact with them. My stomach started to act up and I felt like I was going to vomit. Which is strange since the whole week I feel constipated, then I hear I must go to visit the family, and all of a sudden I get diarrhea and fall into a dark cloud of anxiety.

And to top it all off - this week I almost broke my ankle and a ligament was torn. Now I must wear this supporting cast they call a moonboot. And I know how my uncle and grandparents would greet me - first ask me what happened to my foot, then tell me how stupid I am for falling, and then laughing at the situation I am in. These people seriously lack any sense of compassion - maybe it is due to their psycho-sociopathic religious relations. Or just because they are limp brained pricks, as simple as that. 

Or the fact that my aunt thinks I want to seduce my uncle and want to compete with me in a childish manner. This family situation is just fucked up. I just think my aunt is intimidated by me or even jealous - something that has nothing to do with me actually wanting her stupid ass husband. More over I believe it is due to  her religious upbringing, and her strict parents, that made her hate herself so much, suffering from a complete lack of self-esteem due to religious indoctrination - that she is INTIMIDATED and THREATENED by anyone who she feels challenges her self-worth. This is also unchristian like to falsely suspect and wanting to look down on someone because YOU HAVE A PROBLEM with yourself. 

It is absolutely not my problem if my aunt chooses to live a shallow life - and feel the need to compete with a deep and free spirited soul like I am.  Someone (me) who released the very bonds that keeps her (my aunt)  captive. Yes I believe it is ENVY and not jealousy, for the latter requires STRESS that someone is going to take away what  you have. She wants however what I have - the person that she can never be, due to keeping herself mentally imprisoned by her own distorted belief structures.


I sure as fuck don't want to go there on a Saturday, to sleepover, and go to CHURCH with them on Sunday. First I look as if I just escaped war alive with my foot cast, and second I don't have time for that bullshit. These people are not deep, they are superficial and judgmental - the type of people who would rather buy their kids braces to make them feel good than actually talk to them to find out what really bothers them inside.

My aunt is 16 years my senior, yet she still lives in a childlike mentality - due to her always wanting to impress SOCIETY, and always wanting to do what is right according to WHAT SHE THINKS, people thinks, is RIGHT for her to live by.

I used to like her better, when she was unmarried, childless and free spirited and there was more room for development. She seems stuck today. And her dreams have become unattainable by herself. And she lives through her children and social status being married to a wealthy businessman.

I hope I never end up like her, to crucify my soul on society's lame standards. Sad fact is - her husband is just as shallow as fuck as she is. Who wants that, who needs this type of relationship? Only a zombie, slave to this world. They are so concerned with pleasing the world and society, that they completely lost track of themselves AND THEIR CHILDREN who are doomed to fit into the mold they parents created for them to live by.

And of course there is always my father who compares my siblings and I to our cousins, telling us how fucked up we are and how cool they are - then I simply remind him "well these assholes need to grow up some time, they are just crashes waiting to happen". Some fucks need to come back to earth, and some even die before that can happen and their soul can attain true depth. There is no satisfaction in leaving this earth a shallow piece of trash, and getting at heaven's gates EMPTY HANDED. The difference between my father's brother's children and my brother and I, is that WE tasted the ground a long time ago, we actually grew up faster, due to having to deal with REALITY as it is, and not as society portrays it. Can we say that we are more humble than they are, more humility? Definitely.

Let's take for example my brother and I grew up with a father who is emotionally explosive, yay to the scorpio trait. My father always manifested his emotions in some sick way, he never really let it get bottled up. Which is different from his family or brothers and sisters, because they would rather keep their shit in and veiled or clouded from their children. My father is thus different, yet similar to his siblings in some sick way.  Point being made is that if it was not for HIM making his children deal with his emotional suffering, we would not have grown as the people we are today, laid back and even empathetic etc. Is this a benefit of child abuse? LMFAO

My father's siblings' children on the other hand, well their parents fear their emotions more than my father ever did, and failed to express them so that people can really understand them, because it is a sin AND improper you know and then I hear my father's MOTTO: I WON'T LIVE A LIE.

Anyway I stayed at home, and let my parents go on their own together with my little sister to the FAMILY, even though my aunt prepared my bed because I said I was going, I just felt too sick to go there again, it never changes, the story is always the same - the same shallow shit plays off every time. Now I UNDERSTAND why my father always expressed his emotions so vehemently - because that family simply NEVER TALKED TO EACH OTHER, other than the casual and stupid small talk. Well fuck that shit, I don't have time for that shit, I deal with it at my work. I need some time alone too you know, where I can be REAL WITH MYSELF. And luckily I can do that on my weekends. I don't want to waste it on the same superficial shit I deal with everyday.

sometimes dreaming about fucked up shit

You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family. ~ Louie Anderson quotes

Trusting The New Ager

Okay new agers when you wonder why I do not join your sites and workshops nor cheer you on in your cause this is why!!!

So a new ager drops me this note:

"...why don't you trust Indigo Children? And if it were a select few I could understand, but as a whole? We're all different? What reason have I given to be untrustworthy?"

The same new ager writes:

"I need clarity and inner peace: Lately I've just been totally filled up with crap from friends, family, and family of my other half. Why is it that so many people can be so negative and blindly take it out on me and say it's in God's name? I'm not Christian any more. I'll never be Chrsitian again. I can't be. So that makes me subject to judgment. Indigo Children are a mix of many religions and beliefs. What connects us is what's on the inside right? I think I just need more Indigos in my life. I'm tired of these judgemental people who are too ignorant to see how their energy affects me. I'm really tired and drained..."

So I go and write her a response with the TRUST ISSUE in mind; the "know all new ager" wanted an answer remember:

You asked why I do not trust indigos - well you seek people who won't judge you... Well the myriad people who associate themselves with the label indigo I have encountered are judgemental like crazy... You know why? Because they think they are the only Ones that are special; all knowing and all high... They seek to bring unity amongst people; they speak about oneness amongst people; humans; yet they believe they are DIFFERENT from those they seek to bring "oneness" to and about. They think they are more divine than others!!!!

What I can say to you: well if you are indeed an indigo here to radiate unconditional Love and bring change about here on Earth then why do you not start with your family you so now despise - why not get a bloody will attitude change and affect those in your immediate atmosphere in a POSITIVE way with your magical powers of "love and light" and stir within them or bring about in them an attitude change?

If you have the power to change people's attitudes - why seek fault with them and scold them; why judge and criticize them; in plain english - why HATE them so?

Now if you indigo folk are only a select few; a royal nation or whatever the f_u_c_k you think you are... Then changes you must bring forth must begin in small amounts as well too since you are a small elite group you just cannot be like some BIG BANG all of sudden affecting the entire world all at once Like SOME BIG WORLD WIDE (GLOBAL) CHANGE - since many of you think that is what you are and believe me I am still struggling to find or see the over all change you are yet to bring and said you did bring with you on this journey... But my point being made - if you are a small baby group of people; then the changes you must bring must be in small amounts then charity must begin at home; why not start with your family and immediate surroundings? Do not run away from them then when you are supposed to have these super powers of Love... Do not seek to be different from them then when you are supposed to bring oneness amongst mankind!!!!

Also if anything indigo's better be doing what Jesus was all about - since he too was into all this "love and light" crapeola thing.... So if you then do not call yourself a christian and refuse to do so then you refuse to acknowledge that JESUS was an indigo child too and therefore reject his "love and light" doctrine for some other twisted version of a "love and light" belief system which I believe is exactly what you "indigos" are up to and that is exactly the reason why I loathe you and others of your ilk!