But in my life, the family who I thought would always be there for me, is simply incapable of being there for me on an emotional level at all.
Let's say due to our religious differences - them being dumb christian zealots who cannot go a day without NOT thinking for themselves, and me being the agnostic crazy cousin. I don't want anything financially from them as well, heaven forbid I don't want to create more ties than the TOXIC EMOTIONAL BONDS I already worked so hard to sever.
So the story goes one of my family members asked me if I would come to visit them, via a request on facebook. At first I said yes, but then I was thinking to myself, going through my memory bank of the past five years - why I initially severed all contact with them. My stomach started to act up and I felt like I was going to vomit. Which is strange since the whole week I feel constipated, then I hear I must go to visit the family, and all of a sudden I get diarrhea and fall into a dark cloud of anxiety.
And to top it all off - this week I almost broke my ankle and a ligament was torn. Now I must wear this supporting cast they call a moonboot. And I know how my uncle and grandparents would greet me - first ask me what happened to my foot, then tell me how stupid I am for falling, and then laughing at the situation I am in. These people seriously lack any sense of compassion - maybe it is due to their psycho-sociopathic religious relations. Or just because they are limp brained pricks, as simple as that.
Or the fact that my aunt thinks I want to seduce my uncle and want to compete with me in a childish manner. This family situation is just fucked up. I just think my aunt is intimidated by me or even jealous - something that has nothing to do with me actually wanting her stupid ass husband. More over I believe it is due to her religious upbringing, and her strict parents, that made her hate herself so much, suffering from a complete lack of self-esteem due to religious indoctrination - that she is INTIMIDATED and THREATENED by anyone who she feels challenges her self-worth. This is also unchristian like to falsely suspect and wanting to look down on someone because YOU HAVE A PROBLEM with yourself.
It is absolutely not my problem if my aunt chooses to live a shallow life - and feel the need to compete with a deep and free spirited soul like I am. Someone (me) who released the very bonds that keeps her (my aunt) captive. Yes I believe it is ENVY and not jealousy, for the latter requires STRESS that someone is going to take away what you have. She wants however what I have - the person that she can never be, due to keeping herself mentally imprisoned by her own distorted belief structures.
I sure as fuck don't want to go there on a Saturday, to sleepover, and go to CHURCH with them on Sunday. First I look as if I just escaped war alive with my foot cast, and second I don't have time for that bullshit. These people are not deep, they are superficial and judgmental - the type of people who would rather buy their kids braces to make them feel good than actually talk to them to find out what really bothers them inside.
My aunt is 16 years my senior, yet she still lives in a childlike mentality - due to her always wanting to impress SOCIETY, and always wanting to do what is right according to WHAT SHE THINKS, people thinks, is RIGHT for her to live by.
I used to like her better, when she was unmarried, childless and free spirited and there was more room for development. She seems stuck today. And her dreams have become unattainable by herself. And she lives through her children and social status being married to a wealthy businessman.
I hope I never end up like her, to crucify my soul on society's lame standards. Sad fact is - her husband is just as shallow as fuck as she is. Who wants that, who needs this type of relationship? Only a zombie, slave to this world. They are so concerned with pleasing the world and society, that they completely lost track of themselves AND THEIR CHILDREN who are doomed to fit into the mold they parents created for them to live by.
And of course there is always my father who compares my siblings and I to our cousins, telling us how fucked up we are and how cool they are - then I simply remind him "well these assholes need to grow up some time, they are just crashes waiting to happen". Some fucks need to come back to earth, and some even die before that can happen and their soul can attain true depth. There is no satisfaction in leaving this earth a shallow piece of trash, and getting at heaven's gates EMPTY HANDED. The difference between my father's brother's children and my brother and I, is that WE tasted the ground a long time ago, we actually grew up faster, due to having to deal with REALITY as it is, and not as society portrays it. Can we say that we are more humble than they are, more humility? Definitely.
Let's take for example my brother and I grew up with a father who is emotionally explosive, yay to the scorpio trait. My father always manifested his emotions in some sick way, he never really let it get bottled up. Which is different from his family or brothers and sisters, because they would rather keep their shit in and veiled or clouded from their children. My father is thus different, yet similar to his siblings in some sick way. Point being made is that if it was not for HIM making his children deal with his emotional suffering, we would not have grown as the people we are today, laid back and even empathetic etc. Is this a benefit of child abuse? LMFAO
My father's siblings' children on the other hand, well their parents fear their emotions more than my father ever did, and failed to express them so that people can really understand them, because it is a sin AND improper you know and then I hear my father's MOTTO: I WON'T LIVE A LIE.
Anyway I stayed at home, and let my parents go on their own together with my little sister to the FAMILY, even though my aunt prepared my bed because I said I was going, I just felt too sick to go there again, it never changes, the story is always the same - the same shallow shit plays off every time. Now I UNDERSTAND why my father always expressed his emotions so vehemently - because that family simply NEVER TALKED TO EACH OTHER, other than the casual and stupid small talk. Well fuck that shit, I don't have time for that shit, I deal with it at my work. I need some time alone too you know, where I can be REAL WITH MYSELF. And luckily I can do that on my weekends. I don't want to waste it on the same superficial shit I deal with everyday.
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| sometimes dreaming about fucked up shit |
